Alien Anomalies

This covers the humour (I thinks its funny ) and satire section of this portion of the Forum.

It's long so you'll need a good stiff drink, a comfy chair and a sense of humour. Its wicked in parts, but thats just the mood I am in of late and oh..it's written by me so comments and criticism are welcome (as always). Please address these to icare@nasaopengovernanceforum.org.us

The Road to Know-where (title changed as per OSD's excellent suggestion)

“We’re on a road to nowhere.....” 80's song by Talking Heads

Budha, Christ and Mohammed were normal men, born of women yet they became enlightened souls.

We are all normal men /women born of women, how do we become enlightened ?

According to popular New Age-isms the world as we know it is about to end. There is even an exact (ish) date ! 21 December 2012.

Some may be saved.

Iif you are a pure Christian you will fight in the Apocalypse with the risen souls of other believers and God will raise your soul if you are pure to live with him in heaven.

If you are a Mormon, apparently 120 000 of the chosen few will be raised to the Lord.

If you are a Hopi, your ancestral lands will be protected from the apocalypse and Pahana will return to create a new world for the believers of the ancient ways.

If you are one of the 64 000 new-age enlightened souls – well rumour has it a craft will arrive to collect you.

If you’re human (like me)- well bend over and kiss your ass good-bye ! ( Authors note : This is my ass, her name is Sheila.)

No really, that appears to be your only option !!

Unless of course you use the next  three years  to enlighten yourself and save your ass. Now, how in heaven (or maybe hells) name are you going to do this ? Masters have taken decades to enlighten themselves and maybe joining a monastery is not really your thing?

Well brother/sister don’t despair. After years of studying the Masters I have discovered there may be a few short-cuts. Yes, you read me correctly... THERE ARE SHORTCUTS !!

Sex, drugs and rock and roll.

Hey, who am I to question ?

This magic mix has catapulted many an unwary soul into full enlightenment (many against their will and without their knowledge as they tell it).  It should work for us poor suckers trying to squeeze in before the DEAD-line.

Now sex, well that’s a touchy subject these days. The days of free love are long gone, a very distant pleasant memory but for most sex has become the deathly dance, scary and time-consuming...what with all the STD’s, condoms and having to size up the opposition based on only your over-developed sense of self-preservation ( as though you could smell a rapist, pervert, serial killer, Aids carrier.. ) OK, so moving part the tiresome and lengthy preparation ritual we get to the real deal. Now if we were to believe Sting and Michael Hutchence (oh sorry he didn’t make it to graduation) we follow a well-planned and thought out Indian ritual of Tantric sex. For you suburban types that would mean reading the Karma Sutra and trying some challenging new positions ( doubt that would get you to second base on this path though). Now, if you are really serious about getting your buzz on, well you need to challenge your soul and your senses by getting down and dirty with the principles of good old tantric trauma. Break your psyche down with acts of total abandon and abominations until your soul clears or cleanses itself and starts upon the riotious/righteous  path of redemption. Works well for most if you have the stomach for it, and when combined with the drugs I believe you may get a good head start on the rest of us poor bastards that find normal dating intimidating enough !

Drugs- oh, well what can we say. My advice is use your drug of choice in pretty much the same way as you use the tantric sex thing. Burn it at both ends until your mind or soul revolts and starts upon its own path. Hopefully you will still be breathing, but if not...well don’t worry...you’re going to have a lot of company in just under three years time.

Now the rock and roll bit, that’s strange. If the saying went ‘Sex, drugs and rock and rollers’ I would understand it a lot better ! Jimmy Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Michael Jackson (OK just had to squeeze that one in there to see if you were still sober and alone) to name just a few have certainly blazed the way for us, providing excellent examples of how it should be done for us lily-livered followers. Now I’d ask them ‘how’s that working for you’ (Dr Phil) if I could, but I guess I’ll just have to wait a few years for that...

Right, so we’ve covered the normal paths.

We could also join some Moonie cult and just do all the above with a few thousand of our new best friends, but I guess that would interest you about as much as it would me.

So, how are we going to save ourselves ?

I say we start a new movement. Let’s call it the ......(your name here).... Liberation Movement.

We learn to meditate to American soapies. Yup, you heard me. Meditation is about sitting very still, staring at a fixed object and clearing your mind of all thoughts. Well, what the hell do you think millions of people are doing in front of that TV ? Look at them ! They are meditating perfectly.

OK,  Step One is done, we’ve conquered the meditation thing.

Now we need to expand our minds by learning about new cultures (so that when those alien bastard Annunaki on Planet X/12 arrive we can chat to them over ****tails).

My suggestion is your video store, it’s brimming with esoterica. Heres a list of MUST SEES

Like Hot Water for Chocolate     Whale Rider                                       The Fountain

Final Fantasy                                     A Destiny of Her Own                    Dances with Wolves

Vanilla Sky                                          The Secret                                          I am Legend

Interview with a Vampire (you’ll need that on for the Annunaki ****tail party)

Salt on My Skin                                 Thelma and Louise

.......                       add your own favourites here, anything that gives you gooseflesh

 

 

Step Three, start to think differently.

 

 

·         Challenge yourself  to be as different from the herd as you  possibly can. If the herd exits left, go right – if there is ever a stampede you’ll be glad you did !

·         If you choose a movie at the cinema let it be the one most people would not watch. Better still go to art movie houses and only choose films with sub-titles. Then in time learn not to read the titles but the actors instead.

·         Go to the library, walk down the aisles, reach out and pick up one book a week/month without looking at it. Read it ! Then try to understand why you chose it.

·         Only do your gardening and play outdoor sports when its raining (unless you have an electric lawnmower !).Trust me, you will be unlikely to die from skin cancer if you follow this rule.

·         Eat a little bit of everything, even the things you know are bad for you.

·         Grow your own vegetables, if you’re not a big gardener buy ready-grown plants from you local nursery and put them in pots, remember to water them.

·         Remember to water yourself as well, not too much as you may as well start to prepare your body for the future water crisis.

·         Live with less, clear your clutter, subscribe to the one in/one out rule.

·         Live your life so that you could carry everything that is absolutely precious to you and you could not live without in the event you may need to carry it.

·         Laugh with your children and at yourself.

·         Cultivate a healthy relationship with your family, basically they have to love you, poor bastards.

·         Find a job you love, even if it does not pay well. At the end of the day the satisfaction of feeling you have made a difference is priceless.

·         Don’t worship money, if you want to worship something worship the earth beneath your feet.

·         Take 5 minutes a day, I suggest the ones just after you wake up or go to sleep, to think of the things in your life that you love and are grateful for.

·         Be patient, not everyone is you. Most importantly be patient with yourself.

·         Know without any doubt that you do not control other peoples universes, only your own !

·         Try to be kind to one living thing every day.

·         Smile when at rest, especially if you are watching TV.

·         The only acceptance you need is from yourself. Do not look to others for approval, validation or your happiness.

·         Travel to a new country every year.

·         Try a new food every month, challenge your taste buds !

·         You are never too old to learn a new trick.

·         Know that there is always an exit nearby , even if it’s an emergency exit !

·         Decorate your house in a relaxed manner surrounding yourself with only the things you love. Set your table with nothing matching (preferably pieces salvaged from your childhood home and family hand-me-downs/heirlooms) on a crisp white linen table cloth with a simple flower arrangement. When challenged, tell people that you are a member of the new Un-Decorated Eclectic Style movement then wink knowingly.

·         Take a nature time-out whenever you can, even if it’s a short walk on the beach or in a forest.

 

 

Warning : This path may not lead to enlightenment but it will make you a much more relaxed, nicer and happier person.

-- Edited by Chandre on Tuesday 9th of February 2010 11:54:14 AM

-- Edited by Chandre on Tuesday 9th of February 2010 11:55:34 AM

-- Edited by Chandre on Thursday 11th of February 2010 08:22:52 AM